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27 December 2005 @ 02:33 am
*running with scissors*  
can i just say grrr...
for oh so many reasons.

partial obstruction
clear fluids only

will i be able to wait this out at home
or end up in the hospital?
g.i. doc and surgeon away until january fourth
how am i going to make it?

dumb family doctor i saw a few days ago
couldn't even read my x-rays
for fuck's sake
i had to show him the air/fluid levels
the black cyclone
the swirling shadow
the cloudy monster
alive inside me.

insisted the films were my property
took them with me
doc didn't like it
(was mad)
but in case i end up in emerg
and can't speak for myself
those x-rays will do the talking
(always thinking ahead).

what happens
if the blockage is due to scar tissue
rather than inflammation?

i started myself on a course of steroids
with no professional permission
just my pragmatic personal crohn's-knowledge.

prednisone can reduce inflammation
thus i swallow its chalky sourness
regardless of side-effects
i'm really at my wits end
and have to be proactive
but my doc is going to kill me
i'm on too many meds
(remicade and 6-mp a.k.a. chemo)
to be self-prescribing...

if it is scar tissue
it will be surgery numero nine
and i don't know how to get through it

i can
and will
but the thought of it haunts me
bitter tears spring from my eyes

for a long second
my. heart. stops.
i'm scared
and really sad i think.

fading back into yesterday before tomorrow comes,

~ rls

*how do i feel?*: crankycranky & bitchy & in pain
*now playing*: "public" ~ emm gryner